my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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