When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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