grandma shit on top of the toilet
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
