The maid of honor just puked.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
