My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
