note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize