is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
