her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
