i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
