On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
