yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
