I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
