I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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