Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
