...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
