I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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