were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
