what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
