fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
