I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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