your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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