fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize