I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
