When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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