Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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