Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There's even glitter on my cock...
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