Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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