Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
