her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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