I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
