I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
