I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
