thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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