Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
