I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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