shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
