Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Randomize
