You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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