hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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