I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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