things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
