My first STD was from a foam party
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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