i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Found your dick twin last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize