walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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