i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
