No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
