her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
