it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
