Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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