i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
