I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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