he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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