my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
