I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
