does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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