She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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