craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
