If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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